Redux

 

It’s been more than a year since I’ve posted.

I have struggled with finding myself.  That sounds so cliché, and a lot of folks say that-but the fact is that most people who want to live a purposeful life must take on that journey.  It doesn’t matter how the journey begins, but simply that it’s started.

At first, I thought that my journey would simply be spiritual.  I’m a Christian woman.  Just those two words-especially when worn as a label, can be extremely complicated, painful, terrifying, joyful, and wonderful-sometimes all at once.

But in my journey I developed a hearing problem.  I tended to hear less from the Holy Spirit within me-more from other voices.  These voices told me I wasn’t good enough.  If I could just change one more thing or sacrifice one more piece of myself that I would almost be perfect-not perfect-but almost perfect.  Because God forbid I should think more of myself than others thought of me.  That would mean I would be powerful.  And sometimes powerful women intimidate.

But God created me perfect.  He creates us all perfect.  Just as He wants us.  It’s the world, our cultures, our environments, our experiences, and more importantly what we believe that we are told about ourselves that create imperfection in us.

Many Christians believe that we are born in sin.  I believe that’s true.  Born into a fallen world.  But before we arrived, we were perfectly created.  Made completely sufficient through gifts given to us that are meant to heal, encourage, and bring beauty to a world filled with darkness.  Once we are born we begin to be corrupted.  As soon as we draw breath our death begins.  Some of us lay down to die.  Some of us are pushed down.  Some of us fight.  Some of us win.

It’s depressing I know.  And it’s perfectly okay if it makes you uncomfortable, and it’s even okay if you don’t agree.  But it’s better if it makes you uncomfortable.

I was very uncomfortable because during my journey that still small voice inside me kept saying “You are enough, you are enough, you are enough” and “I didn’t say that about you, why are you listening”, and “Why didn’t you ask?”.

Why didn’t I ask?

I was scared.  Scared that the answer would be to make a change.  To take my power back.  To act on what I know.  But I put my “big-girl panties” on.  And I gradually remembered who I am.  Who I am created to be.

I realized my transformation would be as much physical as spiritual.  A physical witness of the power I am reclaiming.  A miracle of will and power.  Not willpower.  His will.  His power.  A new road to health.  To redefine what it means to be fierce. My postings won’t only journal my diet and exercise challenges, but how I work through it all while being a human, Christian, female, wife, mother, full time worker, writer, and whatever else comes to mind.

And as a caveat, I have found sarcasm again. God in His wisdom created me with a sharp tongue.  So some of my posts may have a little bite to them.  Most will not be nearly as long as this one.  But I’m strong enough to speak my mind now.  And quite frankly, I wear this new-found boldness well.  And yes, I do say so myself.

Christian humility doesn’t mean weakness, after all.  It is a quiet confidence in knowing the Power within us is can work through us to change ourselves first, and then the world.

But we have to learn to listen.

It’s taken me years to find this road.  I’m sharing my journey because I’m hoping to encourage others to find the power that they did not know they had. Even if it’s just one.   Even if it’s just me shouting into the atmosphere.

Who are you listening to right now?